Amazing things a bidet can do.

Think back, way back, to the very first time you ever encountered the dreaded splash back. A harmless plop followed by the disturbing feeling of lukewarm water on your butt cheeks. Like the Devil himself threw a little cup of his spit on your perineum [aka your taint]. Shudder. But, hey, shit happens. Nothing you can do about it. Or is there?

Enter the humble bidet. Due to unprecedented toilet tissue shortages brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic, toilet tissue has become a hot commodity, but where a handful of bleached paper has failed us all in these trying times, a new hero has emerged to set things right down under.

Here are the top 10 ways in which a bidet could change your life for the better.

1. Good for your vaginal health. Hopefully it’s common knowledge vaginas are wonderfully adept at keeping themselves in balance without the aid of douches or soaps. A bidet is like a little pressure wash for your vaginal lips, no soap required.
2. Your period is about to get a lot less messy. That squishy feeling between your labia when period blood has pooled can be remedied far more effectively when using a bidet. One quick turn of a knob can banish the results of a hard sneeze in seconds.
3. An anus so clean you can eat off it. Instead of dragging paper across some of your most high priority body parts when you use the bathroom, you could be spraying pristine, warm water on them instead. 
4. Better than a shower head because you can mount it. In answer to the obvious question “Can I aim the adjustable pressurized stream of a bidet at my clitoris while perched on the toilet like a champion equestrian riding a beautiful, white stallion into orgasmic bliss?” YES. Oh, yes. And you definitely should. We love a multi-purpose tool.
5. Save the Earth one squat at a time. Using a bidet can cut down drastically on your household’s use of toilet paper, and by extension lesson your carbon footprint. 
6. Impromptu enemas. Sometimes it’s a big meal. Sometimes it’s the wrong meal. Whatever reason you have tummy issues, the strong, steady stream of a bidet can help clear things right up, and fast. Prepare your anus for heretofore unknown luxury!
7. Good for all. People with penises and testicles are in no way to be left out of the glorious bidet life. Balls will love being cradled in the brisk embrace of a good bidet session. 
8. A cleaner bowl and a cleaner you. Waters down any menstrual blood (or anything else) so the bowl stays cleaner for longer. You’re way less likely to end up with secretions on your hands you don’t want on your hands.
9. Bells and whistles. Ever felt heated air rushing over your bottom, like an angel blowing on your butthole from a tiny little cloud inside your toilet? Ever had your anus massaged gently with jets of warm, clean water while soothing music plays? There are bidets that do these things, and more, at many varying prices. Which brings us to... 
10. Fun at every price tag. You can get one for around $30, $100 plus, or even $1,700 (this one has a pulsating feature for “maximum comfort,” I’m just saying.)

AUTHOR: Rachel Kane is a Blewish (half black/half Jewish) writer living in L.A. with her dog, cat and husband. Her favorite film is “Showgirls” and her favorite word is “yes.” FollowRachel on Instagram @WTForever21